morrowlife

Here’s Shannon having lunch with Andy and Mark, somewhere in the woods a few steps away from our camping trailer. It’s pretty clear from this picture that we were in a beautiful park somewhere on the east coast. Man, did I love those campouts. We did a ton of exploring, spent plenty of time in our campsite reading and relaxing, and just about always had lunch at the campsite picnic table. Great Art courtesy of my old SiPix camera, taken somewhere in the woods of Virginia (probably), and featuring my beloved wife Shannon and our two youngest children.

Just to prove this was a camping lunch, here’s the same meal from another angle:

The first picture’s a whole lot more picturesque, no?

Pretty good day today. My mom and I went to Walmart for a few groceries, a new hose-end sprayer, and a new phone for Mom. Her old one’s earpiece wasn’t working very well anymore. We didn’t get anything fancy, but it works great and it just what she wanted.

Really nothing else to tell about today. We stopped at Panera for lunch after the Walmart trip was done. I had never eaten there before and I quite enjoyed it. Otherwise, we had dinner at home and spent the evening watching TV and trying (mostly unsuccessfully for her) not to fall asleep.

My heart is maintaining today. Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day. I’ll be opening my final message from Shannon – the valentine she gave Katie for me. I’m excited to see what she wrote to me although I expect some tears. As Katie mentioned in her comment on yesterday’s post, it’s very hard to believe she’s really gone. I’ve been expecting the reality of her loss to hit me sometime in the near future. Right now, I’m hoping it takes as long as possible. I still feel Shannon’s presence and influence very strongly and I really want that to continue. Is that a mistake, Loyal Readers?

That’s it for tonight. See you tomorrow.

Here’s Shannon making sandwiches for the family on April 28, 2002. I count nine sandwiches there. We must have had a bit of a crowd. Great Art courtesy of my old SiPix camera, taken in the kitchen of our house in Virginia, and featuring my beautiful, wonderful wife Shannon. Serving us, as usual.

My mom and I got a few things done today. Mostly for me. We got my beloved pickup and the Mini smogged and washed. I then got online and renewed both of their registrations. Not cheap, but done. We also went over to the auto upholstery shop and picked out a new fabric for the beloved pickup’s seats. The guy there wasn’t able to get the original fabric, so we had to pick something close and he’s going to replace four panels instead of the one we originally expected to replace. I’ll take it back to him on Sunday to get the work done.

Let’s see, what else got done? I paid a couple of bills and worked a bit more on getting my bank account website set up to take over paying the bills. Making good progress in that area. I still need to get started on this year’s taxes. Sometime in the next few days for sure.

We didn’t really do anything regarding organizing Shannon’s things today. There’s already been lots of progress in that area. I think the next thing I need to look at is the craft shelf in the garage. There’s no rush, of course, but it makes me feel busy and happy and I feel very comforted as I go through her things, choose the truly important ones to keep, and find a way for the rest to bring happiness to someone else.

The loneliness is starting to build. I’m ready to ride it out, I think, but it promises to be a very difficult ride. Family is helping.

And it’s very late, so I’ll end here. See you tomorrow.

Here are (back row, left to right) Katie, Paul, Sandy, Scott, Shannon, Belle; and (front row, left to right) Annie’s friend (sorry I don’t remember her name), Andy, Mark, and Annie. Great art courtesy of my old SiPix camera (probably) and taken in our family room in Virginia by I have no idea who.

We had a nice weekend. Fewer tears than before. Andy, Paul, and Melissa got to their various destinations on time and had smooth flights. My mom got here on Sunday just about on schedule after a pleasant flight in first Class. We’ve enjoyed being together and I think it continues to be helpful to keep my mind occupied. She’ll be here until the 21st, I think.

Katie, Cliff, and Mia left today! I’m so sad. Katie has been such a stalwart support to me. I keep trying to remember that she and all the other kids have lost their mother and are suffering greatly because of that, but all they do is comfort me. I’m just overwhelmed by their love and concern, and Katie’s right at the head of that pack. I love you Katie! Thank you for caring more for me than you do for yourself. I miss you already.

Chris was here yesterday for the day and again today in the early afternoon. He was attending the funeral of a dear friend here in Las Vegas, so he took the opportunity to visit us too. Thanks, Chris!

My lonely moments continue to come regularly. There are so many things I want to talk with Shannon about. It’s absolutely killing me that that’s not possible.

Strangely, I have also been feeling like I’m living in Shannon’s house more than in my own place. Even though I know it’s our home, she created everything here and she put everything where it is and it’s an extension of her presence in a very real way. I’ve always loved living in her house, but for some reason, I currently feel kind of like a visitor. I’m sure I’ll get over it soon, but that’s a feeling I didn’t expect.

Katie gave me a card yesterday or the day before that Shannon had written and given to Katie sometime within the last couple of days before her death. I’m overwhelmed by it and so grateful to have it. The message is sweet and full of love. I’ll treasure it always.

Shannon also wrote me a Valentine’s Day card that Katie gave me this evening. I’ll open it on the 14th and feel her presence with me once more. How I miss her!

I guess I have nothing else to add tonight. Other family members continue to call. We’ve received several cards and electronic messages from family members and friends. I feel truly loved. Thank you to all.

See you tomorrow.

Here’s Shannon with the boys and me back on March 21, 2002. Katie was away at school, I imagine. Pretty nice-looking group, huh?

I’m so proud of my kids. I love each one of them. And I love my wife so much. How I miss her already.

It was another pleasant day at home with the kids. I don’t believe I cried today. There were a few moments of sadness, of course, but I don’t think I cried. I can’t think of anything in particular we did today other than sleeping in too late again and getting dinner at In-N-Out this evening. We also played a few games after dinner, which was fun.

Early Saturday morning, I take Andy to the airport. A few hours later, I take Paul and Melissa. I’m really going to miss those guys. Katie, Cliff, and Mia are staying a bit longer and my mom gets here on Sunday, so we’ll continue to have plenty of company. Which is still a good thing.

How my heart aches when I think of Shannon! I know it sounds silly, but I keep thinking of things I want to tell her. And I really want to just snuggle up and sleep with my arm around her once more. I’m hoping these feelings will fade a bit with time.

I’ve been working today on some of the business things that need to be taken care of, such as contacting the life insurance company. Not my favorite thing in the world, but it needs to get done. I still don’t have any copies of the official death certificate and nobody is likely to accomplish much until that happens, but I can at least get the process started.

It’s getting late already and I need to get going. Have a great weekend.

See you on Monday.

Here are my beautiful wife Shannon and me back on March 22, 2002. I’m not sure, but it looks like we’re standing in front of our camping trailer. Which is a bit strange, because we don’t look like we’re dressed and groomed for camping. Shannon always looked wonderful, but she looks especially beautiful in this photo, doesn’t she?

We had another pleasant day today. Besides just hanging around, I went upstairs with Katie and Melissa and we went through Shannon’s personal things. I gave Katie all of Shannon’s jewelry, per Shannon’s request, and they both received a few other clothing items and other things they wanted. I kept Shannon’s wedding rings. The rest of her clothes and personal things went into boxes. I’m not ready to let things go yet and I don’t know when I will be, so I’m keeping everything in boxes for now. I’ve reached out to Shannon’s sisters to see if there’s anything I can share with them and I still need to see if Mark, Andy, and Paul would like anything to remember her by.

Of course, many more of Shannon’s personal things are everywhere in the house, so I’ll be finding them and trying to decide what to do with them for quite some time. It both breaks my heart and makes me feel so, so close to her.

The closet is half empty now, which is also a heartbreak. I’m writing this in bed and the closet door is open and I can see at least a part of the void. I need to fill it before long. Maybe I’ll move some things from the closet in the spare bedroom. Maybe I’ll spread my clothes and personal things out a bit. I can’t fill the incomprehensible void in my heart, but I can at least make the house look populated.

It occurred to me today or yesterday that I’m living in Shannon’s house. I need to (and will) take ownership of it eventually and be responsible for making decisions on what goes where, when it’s time to get rid of things and change things around, and of course keeping everything clean and in good repair. I’m grateful to have a wonderful cleaning service for some of that last part, but I dread making design decisions. I don’t know how and I worry that any effort I make will just turn things from beautiful to ugly, from tasteful to tasteless. The place is so nicely put together right now that Shannon has given me a great head start, of course. I just need to finish painting the stairwell and bathrooms (using paint she already bought, by the way). I really don’t think it needs anything else. But the time will come when things need to be replaced or updated. Then what?

Another troubling thought of the day: did I give Shannon a sufficiently comfortable life? I’m sure I could have done better. I could have sacrificed more so she could have nice things. She has told me repeatedly that she loved her life and felt like we lived very well. But couldn’t I have done more to make her comfortable? Answer: of course. So many regrets. But I’m once again grateful for the year we’ve had together to talk about things like this. Not all that many people get such a chance to apologize for wrongs and give forgiveness for slights.

Paul, Melissa, and Andy are here for just one more day. I’ll miss them when they’re gone. Their presence has been a great comfort to me and I know it was a comfort to Shannon. They’re managing their loss so incredibly well. They give me great hope. They’ve all managed to change their return flights to depart from Las Vegas instead of Los Angeles, as we originally planned to be there for much longer. That’ll make for a shorter day for me on Saturday, but I was kind of looking forward to the drive over there together and the drive back on my own. This will be much more practical, though.

We went to a Brazilian steak restaurant for dinner tonight to spend the Christmas money we received from my mother and Shannon’s dad. We ended up spending substantially more than  our budget, but we had a great time together and it was worth it. There were eight of us! What a wonderful family I have.

Speaking of which, did I mention that Katie and Cliff told me a night or two ago that they’re engaged? I’m so excited for them both! We’ve loved Cliff for a long time and have considered him a family for a long time, of course. But now it will be official. I think the wedding is scheduled for a year or two in the future, so there’s no rush to get ready right now. Congratulations, Katie and Cliff.

And that’s it for tonight. The blog will be returning to normal over the coming days as my heart and mind return back to normal again. I’m tempted to feel that it would be a betrayal of Shannon’s memory for me to start living normally again, but I know that’s exactly what she wanted for me. So I’ll do my best to do that.

See you tomorrow.